In the first part of this blog, I shared how my autistic/ADHD teen and I used to be serial ‘once only’ visitors to many groups that assured us they were inclusive and welcoming, yet we rarely returned for a second visit. Those painful experiences left a lasting impact on my young person.
I’d like to think that things have changed, and that your young person won’t have to go through similar experiences. However, you’ll still need to prepare for first time visits by doing thorough research in advance, communicating what you learn to your young person, thinking about the timing of the visit and the support that may be needed. You can read about how to prepare well in Part One of this series.
If you want to maximise the chances of things going well, the second important aspect that needs attention is attitude. In practice, this is all about how you approach the situation, and it covers three important aspects:
- How you talk to yourself about it.
- How you talk to your young person about it.
- How you talk to the other people involved.
How you talk to yourself
Making sure you talk to yourself the right way about these situations is a priority. It makes all the difference in your interactions with your young person and with the other people who may be involved. Here are some do’s and don’t’s that can help.
- Relax. Avoid the temptation to tell yourself this is a high stakes situation that will have catastrophic consequences if it doesn’t work out. That attitude ramps up the pressure and emotional intensity in a situation that’s already challenging enough. One parent I know refers to these first-time situations as ‘kissing frogs,’ as in the saying based on the fairytale, ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince.’ Looking at it this way, the situation becomes just another opportunity to try something out and see if it works.
- Be ready to feel some uncomfortable emotions before, during and after the event. No matter how relaxed you are, anxiety is pretty much a given, and disappointment if things don’t go well. Be compassionate towards yourself and your young person when those feelings show up.
- Remember it’s not your young person’s responsibility to make this work. They’ll be dealing with an overwhelming amount of new information as well as memories of similar situations that may been distressing or disappointing. The people who create the environment are the ones responsible for making it safe. Remind yourself there is no way your young person can ‘fail’ at this – even if they end up not going at the last minute after hours of careful preparation. It’s better that they recognise they don’t have the capacity than force themselves to enter a situation when they’re already feeling overwhelmed and unsafe.
- Remind yourself of the strengths that have helped you and your young person in similar situations, things like perseverance, patience, courage and creativity.
Of course, when you’re talking to yourself the right way, your attitude shows, and it can provide a helpful role model for your young person too.
How you talk to your young person
As well as role modelling a good attitude, you also need to talk to your young person in a helpful way.
- Validate any worries they share with you. Make it clear you understand exactly what they’re worried about and why, and that you’re taking their feelings seriously.
- Don’t tell them not to worry, or that it will be OK. It might not be, and then it will be harder for them to trust you next time. Instead, make it clear you’ll support them in whatever way they need – even if that means cancelling at the last minute, leaving early, just staying for a couple of minutes, going in with them, waiting nearby – and, very important, that you’ll do all of this willingly, without needing them to explain or justify their request.
- If you’ve struggled to manage your own emotions in the past, they may need reassurance that if the visit doesn’t go well, you won’t be upset with them, blame them or be overwhelmed with your own disappointment (and obviously you’ll need to keep this promise!).
- No matter how you feel about the visit afterwards, be a good listener. Let your young person express their feelings fully and validate them, even if you don’t agree with their assessment of the situation. Don’t argue or try to put across a ‘more reasonable’ perspective or point out ‘the good bits’ while they’re expressing distress. If they’ve felt unsafe during the visit, your calm validation and understanding will help them start to feel safe again.
- If the visit doesn’t go well your young person may just want to move on. It’s important that you respect their wishes and don’t force them to talk about it.
How you talk to the other people involved
When you talk to the other people involved in an organised group or event, remember that they are the ones responsible for making it at the very least a safe environment for your young person. It may not be exciting, interesting or fun, or whatever else your young person is hoping for – but it should be safe. Keep that clear in your mind in all your conversations.
At the same time, please don’t take safety for granted just because facilitators have a valid DBS, training and experience, or because the website looks welcoming. There are a whole host of things that need to be considered when it comes to safety for autistic people, and many group organisers are not nearly as aware of these things as they claim to be.
This means you need to talk to them about how to help your young person feel safe. You’ll need to ask careful questions, persevering until you get a clear response with the level of detail you need.
Some of the questions you ask may be difficult for the organisers to answer and they may have never considered them before. You may even meet some defensiveness. It’s important to remember that just because they find the questions difficult it doesn’t mean you’re being difficult, nor does it mean your young person is being difficult!
Safety is a basic human need. Everyone working with autistic people should make this their top priority and do everything they can to create safety for their clients.
If the idea of having assertive conversations with potentially prickly organisers makes you nervous, the recently published Creating Safe Spaces for Autistic People is a brilliant, easy to read, practical book written with first visit situations in mind. Although it’s perfect for group and event organisers, it’s also the ideal resource to equip you for these conversations, with useful checklists, advice and examples of good practice so you can be confident about what you’re asking for and why.
I wish I’d had this book years ago. I think our ‘first time visits’ would have gone quite differently. Armed with this book, and with the preparation and attitude I’ve described in this two-part series, I think yours have a good chance of being better than ours!
Author: Sarah Pagdin
I’m an autistic psychologist and parent to an autistic 24-year-old with ADHD who works alongside me. Together we help autistic young people and their parents navigate the transition to adulthood more safely and confidently. You can find us here: www.2diverse.co.uk